


I'm not my own

by Ilweran



Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Gen, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2015-03-25
Packaged: 2018-03-19 15:22:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3614808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilweran/pseuds/Ilweran
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Padmé-centric standalone ficlets based on <a href="http://www.randomlists.com/random-words">random words</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Children

**Author's Note:**

> Title from _Après Moi_ by Regina Spektor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to the dates given in Wookiepedia, Ryoo was born in 28 BBY, which makes Padmé 18 and Sola 22 at the time of her birth.

It's not often that the Queen of Naboo neglects her duties, but there are a few special occassions that allow for leniency.

A part of Padmé feels guilty for skipping the budget review that was scheduled for this morning, but when a beaming Darred hands her his hour-old daughter, the Advisory Council is the farthest thing in Padmé's mind. For a moment the universe narrows down to her niece's tiny, red, scrunched up face and tiny fingers that grasp Padmé's blindly when she touches the baby's soft cheek almost reverently.

"You're handling her well," Sola says from her bed where she sits propped up by pillows. There are dark circles under her eyes, and her hastily braided hair is a mess, but her smile matches her husband's. "I bet you won't have any trouble when you have a child of your own."

A flush rises to Padmé's cheeks when she tears her gaze off of Ryoo's yawn and faces Sola and Darred's knowing smiles. Having children is a fact of life, especially on Naboo – Padmé can't recall any couple she knows who doesn't have at least one. Career politicians and activists are excused from that duty since in a sense they've adopted their whole community, but Padmé's second and last term will end in three short years. On the other hand, under her titles and ceremonial outfits she's a teenager and hasn't paid much thought to motherhood or marriage. It's all seemed so far away until now. Sola isn't that much older than her.

"Are you suggesting that I cause a scandal?" Padmé's skills at diplomacy and negotiation may be praised throughout Naboo, but her family still manages to fluster her with minimal effort. She's glad that her advisors and courtiers aren't here to hear her awkward chuckle.

Sola rolls her eyes. "I didn't say that you must have children right away. But you won't be a queen forever, and thank gods for that."

Padmé can't say that she's as grateful as her sister, but that's a conversation for another time. For now she concentrates on Ryoo and tries to imagine what it'll feel like to look at and hold her own child, years from now, with her spouse's arm around her shoulders like Darred is holding Sola. She doesn't quite manage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I definitely don't condone people making assumptions about others' reproductive choices, especially young women's, but according to my interpretation - which has admittedly been influenced by fics and meta that I've read over the years - Naboo is rather conservative when it comes to families and children.


	2. Stage

When Padmé grabs a wet cloth in her bathroom and scrubs her makeup off at the end of another long, long day and finally allows herself a frustrated scowl and grit teeth, it occurs to her with a start that she can't remember the last time she wasn't playing one part or another, biding her time until she can be alone and escape the eyes of the galaxy.

Perhaps she shouldn't be surprised that it took her a while to notice – slipping into and out of roles comes as easily as breathing to a woman who has had to carefully separate her private and public personas for more than half her life. It's just that when she was younger (she can't call her past self a child, not when the lives and fortunes of her people and planet rested on her red-clad shoulders), she had small respites where to shed masks and breathe easily. She was never a queen to her family, no matter how hard she tried to assert her authority when her parents made her clean her room and go to bed early on the rare occasions when she could visit home for more than a few hours.

Her family used to be her sanctuary, but that was before she wed a Jedi in secret. After that it was Anakin from whom she hid nothing, at least for a time, her Ani who has never seen a queen or a senator when he looks at her, regardless of the grand trappings and symbols of her office.

She's not sure when she started holding back her hurts and frustrations from him, too, but she remembers her reasoning. The war weighs on him more heavily every time he returns into her arms from the front lines, and she does not wish to add to his burdens with her everyday grievances and the antics of her esteemed colleagues. For similar reasons she bites her tongue when he praises the Chancellor's increasingly authoritarian policies and the iron fist with which Palpatine reaches for the Separatists without even trying to rely on diplomacy and negotiations. She doesn't want to waste the precious few days and hours they have together into arguments and sullen silences.

She sets the cloth down and looks at the reflection of her bare face in the bathroom mirror. It seems almost like a stranger's, so rare is the sight of it. 

After the war, she tells herself once again. After the war she will tell her family, and she'll sit Anakin down and they'll have all the conversations that have been a long time coming. It'll be harrowing but also cleansing, or so she hopes.

She tries not to wonder how many years' worth of secrets she'll have accumulated by then.


End file.
